Finally Found Myself

Saturday, 26 January

I have been home for almost 3 weeks and I have been struggling to maintain a balance between the old me (pre-costa rica) and the me that was developed while in costa rica. Some of it is stuff like having to drive to go somewhere since the city is built out instead of up. It wouldn’t be so bad if there was huge public transportation system like city taxis and buses. Actually, the bus routes are pretty decent here, but where I am staying I would have to walk about two to three miles to catch a bus. I actually like not having a car, but just wish I did not need one to get around.

Anyways, I digress. Other issues are the wide abundance of media like cable, satellite, video games, internet, worthless news shows, etc. I have been struggling with this for years. I actually like not having these items for I feel like I am living when they are not around – I actually do stuff instead of sitting around all day. Man, I miss the beach.

Then there is the wastefulness that is all around us. This is actually a world-wide prob and it definitely existed in Quepos, however the population there is only a few thousand. Here there is a few million and so it gets compounded a lot. I find myself wondering how much garbage is created at the holiday season due to gift wrapping, gift boxes, shipping boxes, etc. How many football stadiums would be filled with this trash? How long will it take this stuff to decompose? 1 year? 10 years? Never? Is the creation of all of this pollution worth a few fleeting moments of happiness? Ok, so this is not a new me vs. old me issue. This is something that has been bothering me for a long time and now that I do not have the stress of work hanging over me, I have time to sit back and contemplate stuff and this is the kind of stuff I think about.

Alright, I am sounding very negative. I am actually glad that I am back. I have been staying with Jason and Kim and their two boys since I have been back and have completely enjoyed the experience. And Kim, I am writing this because it is true – not just because I know that you are going to read this. I am like a third arm to both Kim and Jason and help with stuff around the house like cooking, cleaning, playing with the boys, homework, helping Jason with work, etc. I find myself thinking about what it would be like to be a parent and how I would talk to the them, teach them and discipline them. I find myself thinking about how to get them to act like grown-ups (listening, doing homework, chores, etc) while still allowing them to be kids with innocence and the desire to explore life. I have also gotten to see a lot of my family and friends since I have been back and this was something that I was missing in costa rica. Luckily, I came back in time to be here to meet Alexa and Brett’s new daughter the day after she was born.

Ok, so by now you have the idea that my mind is bouncing from one item to another and I have a slight focus problem. Very true. So since I have been back, I have been losing the, for lack of a better word, enlightenedness that I developed while in costa rica. Then today the flame was reignited. I went to the Art One Gallery at the Tempe Marketplace and looked at exhibits made by students in high school and elementary school. One of the pieces was by a high school student that took a book and transformed it into a new book the he/she used to talk about society, politics, injustice and other stuff that I am grappling with right now. For some reason it struck me that a high school student is already aware of these things and trying to grapple with them. Thinking back to how I was in high school, this is a subject that never crossed my view of the world and if it did, I never could have analyzed it so deeply and express it how this student did. Hell, I can’t even do it now.

After I left the studio I found a bench and sat down and watched people walking around and looking for things to shop for. I cannot recall what all was going through my mind, something triggered by the art exhibits, but I got that feeling inside again of calmness, relaxation and chi flowing through my body. I have not felt this since my last day on the beach and it felt great to feel it again. It made me feel that I am still the person that I became in costa rica and that I have a lot more to contribute to this place we call home. Probably doesn’t make much sense to someone else reading this, but it does to me for it feels like I am not living in this world by myself. I am a part of this living world – I would like to believe an important part – and am back on track to helping it be the best place that it can be. Ahhhhhh. Feels so much better.

I have not written for a while for I have been struggling with how to explain all of this. Now that I have written it and read it, I know that I did not do a decent job of expressing my thoughts, but it is finally out and now I can move on.